Rise and Shine

Look at that...

2007-10-18T17:36:00.001-07:00

... I've got a new blog. Well, it's more like a book - but why not have a look?

Make them shine.

2007-01-16T06:53:00.000-08:00

Do you receive messages, jokes, pictures and so on "to be forwarded? Some thoughts:

Some mails tell you to send them on "or else". You know, the ones that go: "Send this out to 75 people and you'll be doing great. Don't do it and be damned." That is blackmail, based in fear. Whenever such a thing is forwarded - for fear of catching bad luck - the responsibilty for standing up against such crap is dumped on the next person.

The less agressive version: "If you forward this to X people, you'll have Y good things coming to you. If you do not, no results for you." The content: "Do what I say or you'll be left out when God dishes out personal success." Is that so?

Other mails say: "If you don't forward this, then you have forgotten all your friends. And, hey, send it back to the one that sent this to you!" Yeah, right. Emotional blackmail wanting to make people feel guilty. The message: "Tell me that you love me or be a bad person." If you subscribe to that then you agree that love is a DEAL, to be given under the condition that one behaves in a certain way.

And how about mails just plainly asking you to forward them to all your friends? The more or less subtle connotation here, sometimes thinly veiled: Decent people DO forward mails like this. The others do not. Is this really what you want to gift the addressee with? And what is the value of forwarding something because someone ELSE tells you to do so? Should that not be your own decision?

Ooooh, best to forward no chain-mails, then? Not so. By all means, if it is your thing, please DO send on a good joke, a beautiful picture, a story, an inspiration, a message of hope or love, words to reflect on. But delete the attached threats, orders, pleas, suggestions, conditions. Clean these mails up. Make them shine.

I for one would be happy if the people - none of you regular readers among them, by the way - sending all that stuff to me would act in that way I just have made a plea for. I would consider myself fortunate to hear of them and no strings attached. Alas, they almost never send out chain-mails without chains.

Hence this post.

Walk in peace.

2006-12-22T18:50:00.000-08:00

Life is an unfinished painting.

Looking forward
to a refining 2007
and wishing you all
Happy Holidays.

What the Bleep do we know?

2006-12-11T16:41:00.000-08:00

Three weeks, no posts, much work, loads of work, Austria, England, your comments (Yeah!), spam comments (deeeeeeeeeeeeleted), a wonderful meeting with friends - and a new painting right afterwards:

Blues skies, Dec 5th

Besides that ... a heartfelt movie recommendation for: "What the bleep do we know?" That film has been around for some two or three years but I only very lately discovered it. If you want to see an entertaining, sometimes funny feature about quantum physics and the religious connotations and why even some serious scientists begin to stick with "You create your life yourself." Well... you may want to get the DVD.

Dragon Mountains.

2006-11-18T13:09:00.000-08:00

You know, life as an artist would be much easier if I could stick to any one style. But as it seems this is (for now?) quite impossible. Galleries do not like that. They want to - at least as far as I have learned - basically know what a painter delivers. And no radical changes, please. The clients would be confused.

Anyhow, if there's one prevalent theme I'd say it's somewhere close to the world of Fantasy and Science Fiction. No wonder. Ever since I was a boy I loved books with spaceships, aliens, dragons, wizards and above all: protagonists prevailing on a quest in far away lands.

And while the fantasy worlds are something I dream up, my spiritual path and my becoming aware of a formerly unseen world is an absolute and by now physical reality to me. This creates another twist. Some might think that my love for storybook adventures muddles my brain and judge my reality by my fantasy. That cannot be helped although - again - it would of course be easier to just go and paint nothing but commercial expressions of spiritual bliss.

Sigh.

As it is, different aspects of me are webbed together and quite unpredictably find their way on canvas. It makes my being in the studio an adventure giving me great satisfaction. So here is my latest: Dragon Mountains. I did most of it in one evening and then I suddenly lost courage and did not touch it for a couple of days, going about my daily life, always knowing that there was this half-baked painting some 30 feet away from me, in the studio, just waiting to be finished with great care.

Today I got it right.

Love to you all

Ben

NB: And here's the same painting with different lighting. Upper one was "illuminated" with a 500W spot. This one's a daylight shot. Interesting difference, is it not?

A Galaxy far, far away.

2006-10-28T13:34:00.000-07:00

In another galaxy I am a traveller.

Ships sail the heavens,
exploring the wonders of the universe.

Black holes are living colour portals.
Thriving communities gather at their fringes.

And I am the captain of a vessel that has seen much and
overcome many challenges on its voyage between worlds.

O

In that life, that place I am 12 years old as well as a 199.
And the world is mine.

Planetary sirens create music.

Ice and Fire come together
in a symphony of love for creation.

A thousand times I have died
and a thousand and one times I have been reborn.

o

And at the center of all lies
the metropolis that started interplanetary life as we know it.

O

Welcome to my home:

Welcome to Spyire.

Autumn again (enjoying a bottle of Argento Cabernet and some new CDs).

2006-10-20T13:57:00.000-07:00

Some 12 months ago I moved up here. Which is relative. For one, we're at 2'500 feet above Sea level. Not very high. And secondly a part of me loves Cities and has left a suitcase there. Which is why I hit Munich, London and whatever Metropolis my purse hints at me I can get away to.

Still, this is the right place to be. Or ... one of them. Not a lot of traffic as the little road in front of the house ends about an hours walk further to the left and up the hills. From there on, you'll meet wanderers and bikers only. The village is about a 45 minutes walk to your right.

My flat is on that level where you can see the shutters closed on one window. Remember the winter pics I posted? They were taken from there. The painting studio is on the left, overhanging side of the building.

A balcony with afternoon sun is on the right side of the house. And if you're on for morning sun or the full moon you want to step out on the small elevated porch behind the building.

I don't see much of that morning glory, though - unless I have to get up early to finish some job for a client, like today. This time it was for a new US cigarette brand. Yesterday it was for a Credit Card. Two days before I spent the early hours on advertising an American SUV.

Wish I had one of those and soon. Lady de Winter is bound to greet us with her icy grace any day now.

But for now: dear Sun, dear bringer of light not quite eternal ... stay with me. The peperoni on the balcony need a couple more days before I can harvest them! And as I am speaking of harvest. Here's how they do it on Cassiopeia:

8 1/2 years ago.

2006-10-19T15:30:00.000-07:00

My friends, what follows is not about the mood I am in today. I am quite happy with myself, with your comments, I'll check Belle's post, I like Lux's new name, I love Fair Mayden's smile, And of course, I am happy that all went well, K9! And Velvet, wherever you are, you are often on my mind.

Still...

Last night I did a painting that suddenly reminded me of a song from way back. And a love found and lost at that time. Deep emotion and a real heartbreak. Bittersweet and I can still feel it. Still love the girl (but then ... that goes for all the women I ever knew closely ... it's just who I am). No idea what happened to the lady except that she left the country and that we never truly finished what we started. And I will never understand why it had to be like this. So ... as I am a hopeless romantic and like a little melancholy now and then I'm going to share another key emotion of my past with you:

This is the painting, named after that song :

To the Moon and Back

created on October 18th 2006.

And these are the words to go with it
(lyrics by a band called Savage Garden):

She's taking her time making up the reasons
To justify all the hurt inside
Guess she knows from the smiles and the look in their eyes
Everyone's got a theory about the bitter one
They're saying, "Mama never loved her much"
And, "Daddy never keeps in touch
That's why she shies away from human affection"
But somewhere in a private place
She packs her bags for outer space
And now she's waiting for the right kind of pilot to come
And she'll say to him

I would fly to the moon and back if you'll be...
If you'll be my baby
Got a ticket for a world where we belong
So would you be my baby?

She can't remember a time when she felt needed
If love was red then she was color blind
All her friends they've been tried for treason
And crimes that were never defined
She's saying, "Love is like a barren place,
And reaching out for human faith
Is like a journey I just don't have a map for"
So baby's gonna take a dive and
Push the shift to overdrive
Send a signal that she's hanging
All her hopes on the stars
What a pleasant dream
She's sayin

I would fly to the moon and back if you'll be...
If you'll be my baby
Got a ticket for a world where we belong
So would you be my baby?

Mama never loved her much
And, Daddy never keeps in touch
That's why she shies away from human affection
But somewhere in a private place
She packs her bags for outer space
And now she's waiting for the right kind of pilot to come
And she'll say to him
She's sayin

I would fly to the moon and back if you'll be...
If you'll be my baby
Got a ticket for a world where we belong
So would you be my baby?

I would fly to the moon and back if you'll be...
If you'll be my baby
Got a ticket for a world where we belong
So would you be my baby?

17 years ago.

2006-10-08T14:09:00.000-07:00

I wrote my first copy for an advertising agency in 1989. Don't ask me what it was about. I can't remember.

NRJ # 13 (Looking out of my window)

Since then - and of course I did not realize if for many years - I have seen a myriad of people pretending to be bigshots, thereby making themselves miserable. Some of them I really cared for - including myself.

Energy # 14 (People)

Then, a hardly avoided breakdown by the end of 2002. A personal crisis in the Summer of 2003. Soul searching. More doubts about "the system" and those cementing it for the rest of us. Going freelance in 2005.

Energy # 15 (New fire)

Finally, I worked when I felt like it. Finally, I had time to myself.

Energy # 16 (Angels by my Side)

Finally, I had time to really paint.

Energy # 17 (Setting the house on fire)

Emotions, development, the search, the light and the darkness found their way on canvas. This is a pictorial of the last 72 hours, ending with where I found myself last night:

Energy # 18 (Emerald Dorado)

Now I'm off to Munich, accompanied by some of the Leading Ladies in my life. First, we're going to enjoy a colourful Indian spectacle called "Bharati" and then, of course, we'll do some shopping and have a beer or two (or three).

See you in a couple of days. I hope.

NRJ # 12 (The Beauty of Being Angry).

2006-10-06T16:46:00.000-07:00

NRJ # 11 (Storm).

2006-10-06T16:43:00.000-07:00

NRJ # 10 (The Visitor).

2006-10-05T14:41:00.000-07:00

I am at a loss whether this painting - technically - is worth the frame it is on or not . Probably not. You can see below why I am publishing it: I had another visitor coming through on the canvas tonight. I have done nothing to artificially bring him out.

The digital revamping - again: I have not played with the details, I just changed contrast, colours, sharpness and so on - quite nicely (to me) shows his dark hairline one of the eyes (it is closed, the other one - barely visible - is open, he is looking at you right now), a broad nose and a narrow-lipped mouth that speaks about the state of being angrily uncomfortable OR to humble to really go all the way and stare at you. Can you see him?

In- Betweeners from a warmer world (NRJ # 8 & 9).

2006-10-05T14:17:00.000-07:00

It feels good, V (NRJ # 7) ...

2006-10-03T18:23:00.000-07:00

... It feels good. (NRJ # 6).

2006-10-01T20:20:00.000-07:00

NRJ # 5.

2006-10-01T15:37:00.000-07:00

NRJ # 4 (Pokemon).

2006-10-01T15:35:00.000-07:00

Freedom.

2006-09-29T18:17:00.000-07:00

Is.

2006-09-29T18:16:00.000-07:00

The Mother of Creation.

2006-09-29T18:13:00.000-07:00

2006-09-29T18:12:00.000-07:00

2006-09-29T18:10:00.000-07:00

DNA, TOO.

2006-09-29T18:08:00.000-07:00

Sep 29. What I did with it.

2006-09-27T16:19:00.000-07:00

I have been working and more than was good for me and I had to get away and there were things that made me angry and highlights that made me happy and I have thought countless times that I should get here and write but there were no words and I was sad and then I was happy again and then I was sad again and nothing nothing nothing nothing was easy but that is wrong because some things went remarkably well and what to do about it all and hey so many comments and I have not got it in me to give back and I have no idea what you all are up to as I have not read any blog in a loooong time but I cannot help that because I was just too exhausted to do anything besides make money and I am aware that this is not smart and I know that I am not telling it as I should nor as it is and I have not kept a promise to send a painting to someone although the packing material is ready and I have also bought many bottles of paint and large canvases and I got an invitation to an expo in England next year but I have also not painted since August 21 and where does it all go and is the world going mad or is it me that is the question and depending on perspective I know that all is as it should be or not and when will I be able to sleep again on a regular basis without drugs and that worries me too but on the other hand I find myself increasingly more effective when helping others but does that make me feel fresh no it does not and why can a five star hotel not soothe me as it used to and no I am not ditching anyone and yes it feels like drowning at times and then again that is wrong too as i am also flying high sober so where are the words that are right instead of being garbled everything?

And a part of me yearns to be here everyday and make an impact and have friends but then I am not willing to tackle fear philosophy while not being on top of things but I know I have to and the impact the impact the impact of every thought every word every deed is just too much at times to bear and I forget that I can shield should shield must love and the fifth floor is a good place to jump and still I do not and am in terror of even considering such a thing but every thought word deed is counting so what am I gonna do to release the thickness that keeps me from breathing and again this is all wrong because now now now everything is just wonderful but I am lonely.

Spreading I am spreading energy and I can feel it and it warbles and shoots and beams and attacks but that is not what I want so I call for help but is this the place to do it as I want this to be the place for making visible light that I know know know feel experience live is there and oh it is so tiring to not being able to explode in beauty like you all deserve and so I come here today and scream kick retch instead of shine but then that is not true either.

So I rise I rise I splurge on this being my private space and I will never yield to conformity for it is death and now you know it and don't go away or do oh give me peace oh give me strength to stand fast in the coming years as there will be fighting and those calling for ever more violence and all I can do is shine a light and I want too but fuck it is a challenge like no other but I tell you I will be back oh yeah and that is my story and I am sticking to it.

DNA.

2006-08-20T16:05:00.000-07:00

August 20. Unfinished? Time will tell.

August 21. Maybe now? Hmm.

What will I see tomorrow?

2006-08-07T17:40:00.000-07:00

This is not about politics. Or is it?

Remember when there were no flat screens? No photo messages? No MP3? No Dolby Digital? No GPS? No digital cameras? No DVDs? No cell phones? No internet? No photo printers? No Personal Computers? No fax? No CD? No video games? No colour TV? Remember when telephones had wheels instead of buttons? When the sound quality of FM radio was so amazing that they advertised it?

So much technical innovation in just about 45 years. And I've listed no more than a couple of ideas and gadgets that have come to be common in our everyday life. So I agree, Belle (your comment, two posts back, inspired me to write this): Technology is one factor that shapes society.

Is it too much? Should there be less? No way. To try and stop any kind of evolution because of a need to stay where we are - or have been - is like a death sentence. It terminates not only the "bad" ideas, it also kills off the "good" ones.

Besides, it is not possible. You cannot stop the ocean's waves. We can never uninvent. We cannot undo. Some humans will always create brillant things, comfort for all of us. And some will do the worst. It has ever been so.

The difference for us, different from all the other ages: We are gaining speed as never before. Technological break-throughs as well as all other shaping events, follow each other within ever shorter intervals.

To GO with this change - instead of trying to stop it - is the true challenge for those on this planet at this time. And a challenge it is:

As a friend of mine said today - commenting on much more than just technology: "This is an amazing age and I am happy that we are alive right now and allowed to see it all. But there are days when I'd love to be in second grade again, when everything was clear and everyone was supposed to learn just one job and stick with it for life."

I know the feeling and maybe you can relate, too. But all I can say to you all is: Be at peace with the past and let it be. For what will you see tomorrow?

Something NEW! Just look around. It's there. And isn't that the most amazing thing?

The true face of K9.

2006-08-02T01:44:00.000-07:00

Finally exposed: K9!

What CNN has to say: "The long-running TV show "Doctor Who" features a time traveler embarking on interplanetary adventures in what appears to be a British police box. One of the characters from the BBC series, K9 (at left with the character Sara Jane), is a talking companion robot dog that looks a bit like a rolling bread box with a wagging tail, spinning radar ears and a laser."

There you go! And as we all know: The press never lies.

Reflection.

2006-07-22T19:57:00.000-07:00

Just read Lux's latest post.

Made me think. Why do I like her blog? Why do I read blogs at all? Which ones do I choose and why do I visit them again, commenting or not?

These are my thoughts:

What I read must be interesting to me. But more important: What I feel about the author. A blog has to touch me in a way that I want to go on visiting that place - for whichever reason.

Blogs tell us stories that go far beyond the world of words. They are portals. Each and every blog I have seen is also a door to a personality, the state of a soul, expressed in the choice of colour, font, layout, in posts published, comments and comments on comments made, photographs, paintings, videos, games and so on. And do not forget the profiles!

The longer one reads a particular blog the more of a personality is presented whether the author has intended this or not.

Of course, it is possible to stay very private in a common sense by doing a one theme blog. But even so: the choice made and the way that theme is presented, the content ... these things ARE the writer.

And there is more: the people visiting a blog and what THEY write, how they react gives you an additional idea about who they are and who the blog owner is.

And, please, include the gut feeling, intuition maybe, that provides a feeling of:"This is generic, this is genuine." Or:"This is out of character, what's happening there?" And there is an energetic emanation and it influences you, whether you choose to be aware of it or not.

And so we comment, we touch. We begin to care, to even love. On some occasions we don't have anything to say and that is alright, too. After all, your life is very different from mine. And what is of weight for me today, might be of no interest to you. But then, on some deeper level and in some aspects, there is no difference between us. Ever.

Now, you could say:"Oh, Ben is snooping in my private life." Am I? In that case, everybody else is, too. You cannot visit a blog and NOT register. It happens automatically. For while we blog we are advertising ourselves. And all laws connected to this are at work when a reader visits our space, much of it on a subconcious level.

And don't forget: We blog voluntarily. No guns to our head. I publish this post because I feel like doing so. Oh, we might not give away our face, profession, age, family relations, whatever. But we are public here. And the way we show ourselves, even if it is a mask, says much about who we are.

So, are we real in blogworld? You bet.

NB: Do these words work for professional blogs , say, on CNN? Sometimes very much so. Read what an author has to say and how they say it, go between the lines and you come up with a personality. And if you can't quite define THEM, you WILL be able to define the network this person works for, especially if you check several blogs on that place. And THEIR reader's stance and so on and so on.

No title.

2006-07-16T08:19:00.000-07:00

Serious or not serious, that is the question here.

Q, K9, Lux, Velvet, Mayden, Kalie and whoever else has graced these pages by their presence, lately: Hello again. It is, as always, a pleasure to find your comments. Thank you all!

Coming in and stopping by here and there I am amazed at how much can go on in this little city called "Blogspot" in just a few days. Barring a fault on my webbrowser: WHERE is LUX? Going to her page I find nothing but a white frame!?

While I had a very comfortable time, lately,
it might have been a harsh road for others.
Where you at, Lux? Or are you just showing us
your light-white side? Too light! Come back.

Then there is Belle and a post that I consider to be positioned on very thin ice. Be careful, there, as words have power, Belle. Ah, and speaking of words of power, Mayden has her suitors, including my favourite canine lined up for an enjoyable tournament. Kalie, who after a long absence, is back online, is telling us how it is necessary to sometimes get away from it all to be all you can be - and oh, how I understand that!

Infinitesimal writes about her love for a benevolent Christ and while I am not exactly on the same bandwagon: Good one, Comtessa! I also see that Q is still everywhere and nowhere and THAT feeling I know, too. Pete's world, as you know, is always worth a visit. White (Wow!) Velvet is asking us about religion and I have to get back to that post and read it again. And by the way, dear Velvet, THNX for your comment on my art site! Much appreciated.

So much action in our little world. And now look around, beyond cyberspace, look at the big and the small events, forming history:

A cave, deep, deep under a mountain, Wales.

The near East is once more in flames. Iran, after much stalling, calls the international ideas for its future worth talking about. London has remembered their dead from the subway blasts a year ago. India is shocked by bombs. The US democrats seem to be sure-fire winners in the mid-term elections. And at the same time: Part of a famous Swiss mountain is crumbling and hundreds come to watch, hoping to be there when it REALLY slides. The Rolling Stones' Keith Richards is back on tour and the Dixie Chicks do amazingly well on the US charts, the British Charts and elsewhere.

And?

And why do I list all this, mixed and incomplete as it is AND your stories in the blog world and all of this here, in my blog? Well, for one thing, I should write for two of my clients right NOW (10.06 PM) because they expect "stuff" from me by tomorrow but I am not in the mood to do it.

No idea who the guy in the middle is but he sure ain't unhappy.

Aaaaaand ... you do what you do ... the people of the world do what they do ... I write this and that ... and somehow it is all connected. Food for thought, at least for me it is. And as of now, for better or worse, it is also: posted, creating yet another thin thread in what you and I call our common reality.

London, UK, 4.30 AM

And it is so very nicely warped, that thread.

Not.

Under Construction.

2006-06-28T09:24:00.000-07:00

Off to the Great Unknown.
Back around 12th July.

Such a harsh thing to be free.

2006-06-20T08:45:00.000-07:00

She is locked in herself where the sun is black and she feels guilty for everything that happens in her world. Using medicine, abusing alcohol. Hiding in the cellar of her house so she does not have to meet her neighbours. Speaking of killing herself to her husband, her children, her doctor but never quite doing it.

Helpless and yet the sole commander of those around here. When she calls they have to give. But she does not see, does not know what she is doing to them for in her world there is nothing but her sadness, wiping out everything else.

Depression. Dead end for a soul in despair. But how to turn? How to walk back to the light? Twelve years now has she not seen the sun. Denying, even lying to some. Reaching out to others. Perfect gray.

What, she asks you, can I do? And you know that the only straight answer you can give will be in vain: She has to be willing to leave her cell. And that - to her - seems nigh impossible for it would mean to face her past. To admit what happened.

Such a fearful thing to do. She is unable of dealing with it, afraid of it and does not even know this. She is so desperately alone while those around her give up their own life to keep her from completely drowning.

Will they all grow old while nothing changes in this prison she calls home? It might be.

And that is the other side of free choice. That sometimes we see people make themselves unhappy. And we cannot do anything but soothe, listen, maybe even speak up. But then, after that is done, it is their life. Their responsibility. Unless we want to share the prison cell.

I hardly know her. And for my own sake, I never really will. Such a harsh thing to be free.

Thoughts from my studio.

2006-06-17T05:50:00.000-07:00

I have a new baby: webspace devoted solely to art. You of course know most of the work I currently show there. And, be sure, I will publish my paintings here as I have done before. But still, it is a pleasure to finally "own" a gallery. My gallery.

That said, I invite you to visit the place where I live true to my colours:

As most of you know I have not only found my home in a farmer's house but also set up my office there. And right next to my flat, on the same level, second floor, you can often find me in my studio.

Care to come in? After you, ladies and gentlemen.

So, here we are. Look around, friends. See the big canvas on the easel? I've been intermittently working on that painting for about 10 months. One of these days I'll show you how its face went from angry beginnings to confusion to a slight, light smile, all the while reflecting me and my life. Right now, though, I am happy with it.

Life and painting.

And while we are here together in this room - pleasure to have you round, cold beer, anyone? - yes, indeed Madam, yes, Sir, I have moments where I feel like somebody is squeezing my throat. And on some mornings I still wake up panicky.

But more and more there are those blissful energies flowing through me. Flashdance of the brain and body. No drugs involved. What a feeling!

Oh, you must be tired of my writing about this! And maybe this - apart from all the work - is what has made blogging so difficult for me lately. IF I write about my life and what is defining it, then THAT is the thing to find words worth reading for. And it is hard for the fear of becoming too repetitive. Yeah, I know, K9, no fear. And as you see: I'm here, treasure the call, am freaking playing ball.

And this today is because of Q. He has written something wonderful in his latest post and it got me going again. Kudos to you, good man Q! Go, people, enjoy his words of wisdom and think about the term "transferring learning's earnings".

Read it? No? Later then, promise? I have not finished here anyway.

Think about THIS: I would so much love to spread out my experiences for you on a table and say:"Hit the buffett! Have some of everything! Better than anything I have ever felt. Like it, too? Amazing? Mind blowing? Have some more. It is yours to have in abundance and it is NOT of my origin. It's just there. Tap in. Go online. Come feel the music and dance." And then I'd shout:"Enjoy!" while Kermit goes ballistic frantically applauding everyone who relishes a bite and zooms with me to joy.

But I digress.

Mightily.

And I cannot load the buffett for you unless - maybe, while you read this post - a little of the good stuff, right now, is buzzing over to you and you feel it, that prickle under your skin, joy in your breast, clean breath in your lungs, power to your mind, body and soul. It's possible, I just don't know if I am capable of making it happen for you. But, we ARE linked one way or the other. One big universe. One Power. And while everyone, everything is unique, noone is truly a single being. Quite the opposite.

Now, what do you say about that? Do you believe it? Or do you maybe think:"Man, Ben's an alright guy, but somehow sometimes he is really over the top. There is only one way from there - down."

Fair enough 'cause sure enough, the link is on a "far out" level. Then again, is it? Are you not talking about good vibes? Bad vibes? Gut feeling? Intuition?

And now - still awake? - expand this for just a moment: Are you not walking on Mother Earth? She is part of the whole. And some say, she has a conciousness and we are her children.

I always thought this to be mythical lore, a nice fairy tale. But these days I count her in as a major player in the game. Same as you and me. One universe.

Earthquakes, frequent hurricanes, tsunamis, volcanoes, anyone? Apocalypse in slices? No way. But as we change, as we struggle to find a new base for existence, so does she. And as we fight, fall, stand up, so does she, twirling in humanity's dance. Sighing, boosting, shifting as her magnetic pole has for some years now. And that is a fact.

Again, do you dig it? You do not have to. In fact, you never have to think about this again. And I am far from judging anyone's behaviour towards Gaja. How could I, me the guy with an oil guzzling Cadillac?

But on every day I enjoy out in nature. And whenever I feel the buzz. And time and again when I use the colours that so much reflect what life is to me, there is a little click. A micro flash in my consciousness, a penny that drops. And slowly those minimal moments gather weight.

Something new is taking roots. Would you call it divine? Be my guest. Because it is not based on guilt but the joy of living. It is not rooted in the urge of not getting ill or not being sinners - fear concepts and bound to make us sick indeed - but the pleasure of being born to be alive.

Oh, and I do not even think that the creature comforts will go. But they will be adjusted, different.

And that - fuzzy, frizzy, feathery - is all I know. Except one more thing: You will be with me. This side of the veil or the other.

One universe: Let's enjoy the ride.

Added on June 19th:

Q: "What does the bugger mean by "You'll be with me"???
A: That you will be readers and listeners, if you want to make my day. Plus: On this funny little planet we are sitting in the same boat, whatever comes and whether we agree to sharing the voyage or not. So you'll be with me as I'll be with you.

Be creative.

2006-06-12T05:39:00.000-07:00

Yep - see post below - writing can be a drag. It is not always so. And of course, there is no way from stopping me expressing the colours that are really there in everything I do for myself.

Do not be creative.

2006-06-11T20:01:00.000-07:00

Another night spent at work. Monday morning, 5 AM over here. Just sent away the first couple of pages for a brochure about a line-up of cars you'd know quite well. And this project is a prime example of the sort of work K9 was referring to in his comment the other day.

Those, the car clients, are ... well, here's the wording I got from the agency who briefed me on this job: "Please, do NOT be creative. Not like last time! We need really simple stuff. The client hates creative writing. Please, even if it hurts, do NOT do it."

Cheers, Rottie.

Not in Kansas anymore.

2006-06-02T07:28:00.000-07:00

Three days ago - after 4 weeks without painting - I picked up work on a canvas showing a tree and a clearing. I fiddled around with the colours in the lighter areas, did not like what I saw and washed the wet paint partly away. And suddenly there was this woman looking at me. I highlighted her eyes, nose and mouth and the outline of her face and now ... now I have a woman that is a clearing.

Who is she? What is she? I do not know but I like her. All I am sure about: With this one I'm definitely not in Kansas anymore.

Rolling.

2006-05-23T05:58:00.000-07:00

Hello Readers. Life continues to be good to me and I've been very busy creating a quiz for movie lovers (for a cosmetic company of all things) , a campaign for a trade fair that caters to the hospitality scene, a short story for an IT company's 25th birthday and the final copy for a travel guide.

But I am still not running but rollin' and that is good.

In a couple of minutes I am off to a 4 day-getaway in Southern Germany (Munich, Stuttgart, Frankfurt). After that: 21 brochures for some home builders, a reference brochure for yet another IT company and whatever else business flings at me.

Take care everyone. I'll say hello as often as I can and I DO very much thank you for your continued visits to this site. Once more: Love to you all and til we meet again, friends!

Walking.

2006-05-16T13:42:00.000-07:00

I'm around. I'm alive. I'm better than alright. I move slowly from one moment to the next. Emphasis on "slow". There are not too many words to share and no finished paintings. But I do feel good and free.

May this emotion of light independence touch your soul as a Summer breeze. You are in my heart, my friends. Everyone of you.

Just a quick Hello.

2006-05-08T09:24:00.000-07:00

Peeling the onion.

2006-04-26T16:11:00.000-07:00

And so I sit here in front of my PC and think: What am I going to tell them? How to explain a situation that is beyond me? How to explain a test of which I do not understand all the rules?

Many times I have sat here in the last couple of days thinking that I want to go on writing. And yet I could not after a day - or sometimes a night - of work for my clients. Not if I wanted to stay authentic. Yes, I have opened my blog a couple of times. But I did not even like the blue I saw. Had to get away from it. And somewhere along the road I stopped surfing the blogs altogether.

But I read the news on CNN and USA Today. Every day. Ten times a day. I clicked from politics to Law to Tech to Health to Lifestyle and back again. I saw. I integrated knowledge. I was angered. I was troubled. Touched. Fascinated. Sometimes I smiled.

Television? News only. As if I was waiting for something that did not happen. And how could it? Something had to happen inside of me.

But I was not ready for it. So I watched DVDs. Long ones. All three parts of the Godfather in two nights. The extended versions of Lord of the Rings. Two more nights. And animation. Mulan. Pocahontas. Treasure Planet. Atlantis. Also the very first 007. Mission Impossible 2. I loved it all but on some occasions I left my sofa and thought: What now? What am I trying to shut off here?

Amazingly, I smoked less. I liked that. But I ate too much. Drank too much. And cut back when I realized I was gaining weight. Fast. About 10 pounds in a very short time.

And, on top of it all, despite being tired, I did not want to go to bed before complete exhaustion. My bedroom was the one place I did not want to enter at night. 'Cause when I did sleep it was not refreshing. Unless I waited til 4 AM or even 6AM. Then I was able to sleep five hours in a row. As a matter of fact, it is 4AM now. Again.

One night I dreamt of trying to bring something in order on shelves. Can't remember what. Woke up. Fell asleep. Woke up. Fell asleep. Woke up. Same dream sequence every time I dozed off.

Around that time I started to sleep whenever I could. From 6PM to 10PM. Or maybe from 4PM to 5PM. Whenever. Daytime hours often were spent in a daze where I - quite suddenly - felt I could fall asleep while standing. Stone sober but heavily stoned.

When I met people and they asked:"How are you doing?" I said I was fine. It was true and it was not true. And I realized: I can live with this challenge but I want to understand it. Sadness. There is sadness. Still? Again? Shall I write about it?

But when I thought of blogging about despair it felt wrong, too. I did not want to unload here. It felt pointless. Like a repetition. Like something that should not stand alone as a post. It would have been incomplete. No step forward.

I wrote a couple of personal e-mails when I felt well. Decent stuff - or so I hope - but not many mails. Then I stopped doing that, too and resorted to very short messages. Too much inside myself.

I worked at all times, too. Many projects. Good that I have them. But it made me even more tired. And I did the laundry. Loaded the dishwasher. Wrote invoices. Tended the plants. Even went for a walk once or twice. Helped a friend preparing some stuff. Read a little, very little, now and then.

Then I realized this:

One part of me is out there. Not quite on this plane. It is the part of me that tells me I can quite easily live without physical things. It considers - for example - sex as a thing of no importance. And this part of me knows it is true. I have said it before: At a certain point of union with the universe, passion ends. Light has no gender.

Another part of me is here on this planet. It is lost. It is lonely. It has needs. It craves. It wants to be touched. Loved. Live in the sun of being appreciated. And I cannot get away from living here by flying out there. It has helped me through much but it is - without balance - not healthy.

Uhuh. Those two parts of me want to be one. They are supposed to be one. It does not do to be split.

So I walked on and went even deeper. I was not very happy. I was not totally unhappy. I was not afraid, either. And again, I knew: I have done this before. It is almost boring and therefore another thing I do not feel like blogging about.

Happy moments? Quite a few of them. It has actually been very pleasant to brake the rules of normal life. I have had some revelations and confirmations and I like that. Three or four times I have been working on one large painting that is - to some surprise - full of light. I have also read some things that confirm my philosophy of life. And also, there have been your comments. It was really good to see them when I checked my mail. But I have not had it in me to reply. Not at all.

And, most puzzling, most pleasing, most difficult to explain ... the energy. 10 months ago I felt amazed whenever I could feel it. These days it is not an unusual thing anymore. Even during those last two weeks - in the middle of struggling on the verge of a burn-out it has been there so many times. And always encouraging. That little buzz down my spine. The rush around my temple.The flow through my whole body when I opened up and asked for healing. The sweet tickle when I wrote something in league with Spirit. The whooosh I - still very infrequently - get when I read a mail or see a painting. Right now, it is here. It likes the way I speak of it

Now you could say:"Well, if you have access to this why are you sad? Why do you not just activate it all the time when needed?"

Good question.

As of today I'd say: Life really is a test. Not all of us have to deliberately dive into it like I do. But it seems that I cannot do anything short of excess and then I have to get away from it again and integrate the new stuff in my daily life before I can go on. Imagine a big black box, size of a huge house. Many rooms. One door in. One door out, straight ahead, on the other side. But me - instead of slowly walking on - I open every single door along the way, enter every room, put a candle in every dark corner. And there are stairs and other floors and dead ends.

In short: I want to understand everything. Absolutely everything.

Now lately I have come to some rooms where I have to integrate emotion and - again - new perception into the analysis. And instead of opening those doors and let time do its thing I once more run into every single room and I shout: "Light, please!"

Oh, yeah, I get light. But then I can't just run away again. See, there's this funny thing with those rooms: I enter them and I cannot get out until have understood with my mind AND my heart. I enter, I get light and I see what has been crawling around. I see but I understand nothing. And I try to be attentive with all my old and new senses. My mind gets the picture and coaxes me to walk on.

But the heart needs time. And the more I struggle to speed things up the more time I have to be in each room. And I am not very patient. So I stamp down with my feet and swear and want to get out right after I have gotten in.

That's when I forget that I am never alone and only have to trust and things just flow. Believe me, it is like that. I know this from personal experience as well as the moments when I go blind. Blind? Yes, when I ignore that I am peeling the onion of my existence and its emanation is SUPPOSED to bring up some tears while I approach the core.

Dear reader, here I am, in the middle of once more slicing and dicing. And what a mess I make of it all sometimes! But despite it all - and I amaze myself that this is ever so - I am really very happy to quite pleasantly state here for the umpteenth time since this blog was born: Life is worth the pain.

Have a great day!

Anna.

2006-04-09T04:12:00.000-07:00

Anna ignores empty commands, especially when they are given to divert her from her questions or make her shut up. But although she is just a little girl she does accept rules when you explain their necessity. And are honest while doing so. Because Anna decides whether your motivation is proper. She sees who you really are, thinks a moment and treats you accordingly.

I am her godfather and I spend nowhere near the time with her that she deserves. But I would never dare to make up some dishonest reason for that. She would invariably call the bluff by not respecting my words anymore. Anna also never forgets promises. Sometimes I get an e-mail from her and she reminds me of some thing or other I have said to her. Anna is 8 years old.

She is one of the new kids on the block. And when I say new, I MEAN new.

I believe that later in her life - if it is not happening already - she'll be linked to others of her kind on an entirely different plane. They will be individuals going about their life like we all do. But on the other hand - maybe without even conciously realizing this because it is so natural for them - they will act as if they had all come from the same stock when it comes to implementing a different way of interaction. I believe that this little girl and her friends will create a new society. And by putting it this way I am just scratching the surface of where this might lead all of humanity.

Sometimes it unsettles me. And I ask myself: How difficult will it be for me to live in that world? How will I cope with this? But on the whole I am looking forward to see what these kids have in store for us. How will it happen? When will we feel it, see it, and no more be able stop it?

For stopping it we are:

Today, tens of thousands of these youngsters are treated with drugs to make them behave. Many of them are diagnosed with Attention Deficit Syndrome. And the latest trend: More and more kids are given pharmaceutical stuff normally used for adults in psychiatry. How very fitting: Young humans are - via drugs - made "ready" to survive in a world adoring reckless competition so much that throves of adults break down and need even more drugs.

I am angry about this. I am angry because - while I see that little girl bloom - I also have to witness a 7 year old boy, smart as hell, who is sent from one doctor to another. He refuses to fit into the mill. He CANNOT fit in.

But when I speak up I am largely ignored by the parents. Don't get me wrong. They love their boy. They try to do the best according to their truth. But their world is surrounded by a narrow frame. Things fitting into that frame are to be followed and they are okay. All things outside of the frame are to be ignored.

And I think: A society scars its offspring. Then I remind myself of Anna. Her Mum lets her "be". Other parents react the same way and refuse to listen to pharma drug-pushers. Anna will grow up as her self. And so will other children. It tells me that the pill hawkers will be out of work some day.

And I am looking forward to it with all my heart.

Lifeboat.

2006-04-06T15:52:00.000-07:00

Minnie takes a pause from rowing. Wherever she looks: endless water. The ocean of existence. Minnie has been out here for a very long time. But she is neither starving nor thirsty. She is sated by her love for that funny little thing called life. And she smiles and keeps on rowing. -- There are several billion lifeboats out there. You are sitting in one of them. And so am I.

Goodbye, Sushi.

2006-04-03T02:39:00.000-07:00

Sushi was a Kohaku, a Japanese Koi, a carp. He was at least 10 years old and clearly longer than two feet. For three years I have had him and two, then three others in a tank of roughly 450 gallons. That was really not enough water, so - last Summer, as I was planning to move anyway - I found for him and his friends a well tended fish pond where they could swim without restrictions. There are ten other Koi in that pond but Sushi and his pack (Wasabi, the golden one in the background, Sashimi, the smaller one up there and another called Soy) were Kings and Queens for their sheer size. They all loved their new place.

Then: Winter. The pond - as they all do - froze over. As a Koi pond owner, you never quite know what you are going to find come spring. Well, all fish survived but - after months without food and with an almost deactivated metabolism - they are of course sluggish, weak and prone to infections.
Three days ago Sushi got ill. It was a sad picture seeing him hang in the water, unmoving, almost not breathing. We tried to save him, put him in a heated quarantine tank. Pumped him up with antibiotica. To no avail. He died last night.

I am much more sad than I expected. About a fish? Yes, about a fish. With animals that size, even if they are fish, you have a connection. They all have an individual character. Sushi was a little stupid and sometimes a bully with smaller fish. With humans he was shy, only rarely came close enough to eat out of my hand, although, of course, he was very curious as all Koi are.

And so, another part of my past life has gone.

On Friday night, before I knew about Sushis illness,
I painted this, which to me is a blue dragon fish.
I did not make the connection til last night.
When I realized what I had done I somehow knew
my Koi was not going to make it but did not want
to acknowledge. To me, this is Sushi's energy.

Two sides to every story.

2006-03-27T15:17:00.000-08:00

:
I am what I am but what am I?

I love life
for this question.

:

Almost I'm at a loss for words.

I wake up and
I am in myself.
And I want to stay there.

With amazement
I register emotions, feel a buzz soothing through me several times a day.

I encounter love
for myself and what I am.

How strange.

How strong.

:

There are moments and moments
when I feel pressure.

And I withdraw into strength.

I speak with the dragon
and find that he is proud and lonely.

I speak with peace
and she tells me how she is nothing without the knowledge of war.

+

Humans are like that.

_

I speak with one after the other
and just as long, as
I feel like it and then
I go on to the next.

Most everything
that is my everyday life
gets done.

For the moment
I have given up fighting
and have given in
to walking almost like a child.

:

Amazing.
It is amazing.

But it is hard to find words
for what is happening.

I have to ponder this.

I had to share this.

Back to the Future?

2006-03-27T01:17:00.000-08:00

This little piece is about the size of large postcard. And somehow I feel drawn into the past, into a time where flying cars for everyone were believed to be not so very far away. And Monorails were expected to be all the rage really soon. And the moon was going to be colonized next week. Oil? Oil was nothing less than the content of that - preferrably plastic - holy grail called progress. That time when - as K9 has said so aptly - Walt's creation was still a mouse and not a rat. And people chose orange as a modern theme for their interior.

Was it 1956? 1964? Was it ... a better time? I would like to say yes and you all know that I'd be wrong. But why not ... dream a little dream sometimes?

NEW LISTING: Move in, feel at home!

2006-03-26T03:56:00.000-08:00

Do you like ample space and privacy? This fabulous home for the distinguishing soul-searcher is located on a quiet cul-de-sac just West of the Great Unknown. It features incredible 360° views and some of the bluest sky available anywhere. All of its 2'127 bedrooms come with individual bath (Hathorian marble) and fantastic amenities like uninterrupted sleep and full choice of pixie dust and pleasant dreams. Several light-flooded cathedrals and temples of all denominations offer an unparalleled choice of tender care for anyone's soul.

While this fantastic opportunity is designed to please the quiet mind, it is at the same time ready for a an ever-changing lifestyle: The socialite in you will rejoice when welcoming guests in the oval, domed reception hall (serves approx. 500'000) with several walkable galleries around the structure on 18 floors. Adequate kitchens and dining facilities. Manual cooking is encouraged by the architect but not mandatory as excellent food of the freshest kind is served 24 hours a day (we do not know by whom).

This property includes several outlying islands with lush foliage, pools, colourful fish ponds, an adorable little family of unicorns and many meandering walkways. Automatic pain dissolvers, health & fitness radiators throughout the whole compound. Lot size is about that of Manhattan. Includes thought activated-teleporter. In other words: Come anytime, stay as long as you want.

SPECIAL OFFER for an unlimited time: Open up to the power of joy and the untainted laughter of the innocent child that lives within you and you may move into this unique home in the blink of an eye.

Note: A free artist's rendering of this property (about 20x28, acrylics on canvas) is available to our friend Infinitesimal if she thinks that it is appropriate for her current condition. The concept: Colour theme of serene white, just a little soothing pink, splashes of liveforce red and calming blue is targeted to trigger all known benefits of a joyful retreat from the hustle and bustle of everyday business life. Denial of this offer carries absolutely no consequences at all (personal preferences in art cannot be discussed anyway) but one: the painting goes on sale soon.

Rising.

2006-03-24T06:21:00.000-08:00

Reborn once more.

2006-03-24T06:18:00.000-08:00

Let there be light.

2006-03-24T05:38:00.000-08:00

Winter's end.

2006-03-22T14:50:00.000-08:00

I began this one with the other garden-painting (same size etc.), then stopped working on it. Finished it 1o minutes ago. If everything works out as planned it will go to an exhibition in April - together with a couple of other ones. Wish me luck.

Over there --->

2006-03-21T15:41:00.000-08:00

Alright. I admit it. That whole mediumship thing got out of hand in this journal. I began to feel a tad driven because I wanted to get on with other things. On the other hand: There is more to be said on this.
So it has its own space now here. Bit unrefined as of yet. But I'll get that under control. And for those who are interested, I'll let you know here whenever something has been added.

Like: today.

Hate to loose the comments, though. Well, at least I have printed them out for myself.

To you.

2006-03-17T11:13:00.000-08:00

Come see the realms of my existence, woman. See the valleys and the mountains. See the forest and the plains. They are yours to share with me. Come feast your eyes on red and green and blue. Come feel the warmth of eternal spring.

Come to my soul.

Come.

I see.

You are multitude.

Walk with me, love.

See, over there. Loneliness. Once I used to lock myself up in there. Sometimes I still go there and arm myself to the teeth. Rigid of fear. Silly, is it not?

Oh.

Another face of you.

You feel different.

And there are more of you. We are a group then, are we not? Me and a lot of you. It is such a rush, woman, to feel you. You are a cool current, a stream of power. A spiral of colours that takes my voice away.

I want to touch you.

All of you.

I want to flow from me to you.

And back.

Share.

But not you. You of all do not want that. But you are warm. I feel comfortable with you. You, I care for differently. You I will always love.

You, too.

Does that make you and you and you uncomfortable?

Why?

You are family. And I am in love with your soul.

Ah, and you. Do you love me? You have told me that I can fall in love with the energy of someone and have to be very careful. How true. Now what?

I understand.

I take my body out of the equation to have a clear mind. It is necessary, for now.

But it hurts.

Love of my life, you have so many faces.

So I touch none of you. All of you. And I see that I sometimes care like a father. Like a brother. A friend. A lover.

Oh.

Now you're all gone.

Not.

I have left the shores that I knew for so long. Now I am out here. Alone and yet accompanied by you. Who are you, woman? Am I hurting you now? But not you and not you and not the others? And will it be the other way round tomorrow?

Is it my destiny to love you all through the ages but have none of you truly by my side?

Do you understand that being touched by me puts you in a position that you would have to share me with all? Would I be willing to grant you that freedom? Will it all end with pain?

Walk with me, love.

Walk with me.

A walk in the park?

2006-03-07T17:00:00.000-08:00

New one. About 16 by 28 (inches). Acrylics. As yet untitled. Pic a little out of focus as I had to take it without flash to get a close reflection of the original look. Comments invited and very much appreciated.

Cold but cool.

2006-03-07T04:06:00.000-08:00

Much as I am looking forward to spring, I concede that Madame de Winter is a striking beauty . Have a great day, everyone!

Hope.

2006-03-06T12:11:00.000-08:00

Malva wrote: Is there hope, after all?

Yes.

I sincerely believe that there IS a future for humanity. Even more: I am convinced that we have a great chance to make this planet much more comfortable for everyone within the next decade or so. Mind you: I am not saying paradise. But I am saying more companionship, less strife.

You know, it might sound a little far-fetched to some people that I list scandals (see post below) and such things as a sign of hope. But bear with me, please, if at all possible. I do not think I am just blabbering. I really feel that we are in the middle of a planetary development of epic proportions. And I am going to tell you now how I have come to this idea:

A look back.

Philosophy-wise I have been aware of some of the possibilities of better (simpler!) social rules since I was a kid. I never understood at the time that most of my fellow humans did not care to see it that way. I just thought: "It is just not logical that people go about their lives, being cruel to each other. Why are they doing it?"

Some 20 years later, life hit me with the so called business-truths of "use your elbows" and Darwinism and greed. I followed suit and said to everyone who wanted to hear it: "I am a capitalist. I want to get rich. Got a problem with that?"

Then, 2 years ago, while attending a Spiritualist/mediumistic workshop in England, I wrote a poem about how life would be with just compassion and love as driving energies. And I had a revelation.

I realized that all the Darwinism was not actually ME but me trying to fit into a cannibalistic society. And I understood that - technically speaking - I had grasped the principle of a better lifestyle (for all) as a boy and then given it away in my need to find recognition (and monetary power) in this modern Western culture.

To make this crystal clear: I am talking about a society that - in my business case (advertising) - often does not reward the best but the best lobbyist, the cunning liar, the arrogant ass. And that is just a nice curtain in front of an open door behind which lies corruption.

Now, have I said goodbye to comfort - giving away all my money to the needy? No way. That is not what is asked of me - or anyone unless they choose it to be so. I DO help out where I can. But I do not see a problem in making good money for myself. Money is just energy that I get for some kind of service and it sustains me. Money is a form of power. It's what I decide to do with it that defines its ultimate worth.

The problem lies on a different level.

Is the green that I make given to me for a service that I consider honest? Is there such a thing as heartfelt advertising?

I say: yes! Because it IS possible to write and do ads, brochures, letters and such with love and respect for the customer. Of course, it is also possible to create while detesting the target group. Rhetorical question for you: What way of addressing my work will be more rewarding? Which one will leave me with frustration and agression?

Right.

So - for the last two years I have been "redecorating" my work-life. I am self-employed (second year). I find - and I don't have to fight about it - more and more customers who like the way I am addressing THEIR customers - with honesty.

I cannot say if this will be my lifestyle in five years. I doubt it 'cause I have other plans. But for the moment: This is what I do to pay back the debt accumulated in the Darwinist times of my life while (at the same time) respecting my rediscovered philosophy of a fair life for everyone.

Now - this has been a looong curve, right? - here's my reason for hope, once more:

Life. Never boring.

I am doing these writing jobs of mine best as I can. And at the same time I am working on my personal development. Big time. Experiencing all the challenges that I have begun to document right here. You could say that I am getting my life in order for a new age. My new age. Humanity's new age.

While doing this I am formulating thoughts, researching religions, working with divination, reading a lot. And there is rewarding payback in a wide variety, especially this:

These days, when I formulate something for myself I often get confirmation in books (many times in the Kryon-writings) or from people I highly respect- Or even by the other side of the veil. And many times this happens just a couple of days or hours after or even right at the moment that I have figured out something for myself.

What I have learned and has been confirmed by different sources.

Basic but underrated: If I treat you with respect and appreciation - whatever your lifestyle is - you will feel this and have an opportunity to address me in the same way if you choose to do that. This needs no rules from any church or government. It just works.

I believe - no! - I am absolutely positive that more and more people realize that the ONLY way to have a future on our planet is to GET AWAY from this "kill or be killed"-lifestyle. It is outdated.

THIS - this self-realization of many people - creates an ENERGY that enables change. It's like a fizzy web that begins to be stronger and stronger and almost tangibly so. It is pure power. On your personal level you will experience it in a very subtle way (for now) when - for example - your smile creates another smile.

Resistance.

There will be those who cannot stand this energy. They feel it and they know that their despotism is threatened. Not by weapons for they know how to deal with that but by an emerging independence of individual beings. For them it's more and more of the slaves throwing away the shackles.

So. They resent you - just for opening up the book of possibilities and choosing to, say, for example: live without the dogma of eternal damnation as preached by TV-evangelists.

Just imagine! Here you come and say:"I believe in God. But not your vengeful God. You go on doing your thing if you want to, but I sure do not need that anymore for myself." Now, of course, THAT will not go unopposed. Who do you think will fight such change the most? Those clinging to the old beliefs.

Away with the cage.

The cage the old powers are putting around people gives them strength over them. They can control them. The tool: fear. Always, always fear. And they want to keep it that way as long as they possibly can. Who do you think profits the most from proposing that Lucifer is a reality? Exactly: Those who would have you grovel in the sands of submission to THEIR rules.

Light.

The energy of progressing in compassion is light. The energy of keeping people dependent and blind is dark.

So, I watch the news and see misdemanour and worse things exposed on an increasing basis. Corruption, cruelty and fear-based philosphy is suddenly finding itself under scrutiny. Big firms that thought themselves untouchable for many, many years crash. People who used their religion to be untouchable for centuries find themselves stopped. Killings over cartoons? Evidence that yet another religion has been abused. God is truly misinterpreted by those who think he wants you to kill.

Leave me here and now?

Killing in the name of God has nothing, but NOTHING to do with true belief. Surveilling you as modern governments want to has NOTHING to do with freedom for the rest of us. It is all hate-based. Hate is a bloody reflection of fear. Ku Klux Clan, anyone? Neonazis all over Europe? Racism?

The politician's only answer - almost worldwide: Laws to control you. Laws and propaganda to make you believe that "kill or be killed" is the one, the only way to survive. Fear. Fear. And more fear.

Don't agree? Be my guest. If you cannot bear this you do not have to. I have said it several times before: Such is the basic principle of free choice.

I'd rather have you board the train.

But this same principle tells me that I am to decide myself what future for humanity I choose. One in love. Or one in blood. And I find myself in an ever-growing company of people who see the power of love as supreme to anything else. It is no revolution. No heads will roll for being a compassionate being. It is not fast.

But it IS steadily happening. Light prevails. To use a metaphor that I have seen somewhere else: You can bring a fair amount of light to a whole room of darkness with one tiny candle. Try blackening a room full of light with a little flame of darkness. No chance!

Yes, Malva, there is hope.

And the Oscar goes to?

2006-03-04T03:59:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I ripped the following from CNN (direct link to article)

LOS ANGELES, California (CNN) -- At this year's Academy Awards ceremony, politics may be unavoidable.

One best picture nominee concerns a gay love affair between two ranch hands. Another is a tale, ripe with coincidence, about prejudice and perception. Then there's the story of the news anchor who helped bring down a red-baiting senator, the film about an emotionally roiled Israeli team of assassins pursuing the Munich Olympic terrorists, and the picture about the great writer who sacrifices his soul and compromises ethics to write a triumphant work -- about two brutal real-life killers who must die in the end if, to his mind, his book is going to succeed.

These five films ... as well as nominees such as "The Constant Gardener" (pharmaceutical company chicanery in Africa), "Transamerica" (pre-op transsexual goes on a journey with a son) and "Syriana" (the intermingling of oil and politics) have prompted observers to wonder: What's going on in Hollywood, so often the land of spaceships, buddy comedies and damsel-in-distress thrillers?

Entertainment Weekly's Dave Karger says he believes the films simply reflect the times. "The last few years have been a very politically divisive and politically vibrant time in this country, and I think the film industry this year has really started reacting to that," Karger told CNN.

Change. And most interesting: Hollywood caters to the vast majority. Now, somehow, people over in L.A. seem to feel that we, the people, are ready for real life-themes. No, Hollywood does not do it for the love of people. They do it for money. But the fact that controversy and eye-openers are making their way to the big screen is - in my opinion - a clear reaction to a society that is beginning to open its eyes.

And there is more. While you watch and read the news about war, bombings, killers, crashes, big brother, storms, hunger and corruption: Encouragement is there, between the lines. And many times it's right in your face:

Like "Grass roots", an organisation that gathers people to rebuild the Katrina wasteland on a house by house basis (thereby highlighting governmental apathy).
Like the fact that AP wins against the government in a move to publish names from Guantanamo (thereby demonstrating governmental abuse of human rights).
Like the fact that the NSA surveillance-scandal and CIA torture flights even saw daylight.
Like the fact that so many pedophile priests were finally flushed out of their dirty closets a couple of years ago (making it more difficult to go on being abusive).
Like the fact that corruption on a general basis is actually exposed (instead of once more well-hidden) in many organisations like the government, Enron, Arthur Andersen, the church and so on.

Yes, indeed, you can say that all of the above are just signs of the world's sorry state. I prefer to see these happenings as light beaming into dark, dark rooms that were there all along. Was it not about time for that exposure? Is it not encouraging that inappropriate behaviour is brought to the front page? Is it not a good thing that the powers-that-be have to learn that they do not get away with everything?

And to come back to where I started from: Is it not a good sign that Hollywood's menu of the day reflects - to use Kargers words - "a politically vibrant time in this country"? Again: Big money would NEVER flow if those words were not true for the majority of people!

See this, it is of weight. It means that something good is going on. It means - and from a most improbable source - hope.

Seriously, folks.

2006-03-03T12:35:00.000-08:00

For the last 30 - or was that 45, or maybe 90? - minutes I've sat here with half a bottle of Chilean Merlot (mainly forgotten) and an unlighted cigarette in my left hand, thinking repetitively : "Alright, I'll shut the PC down - now - and go have an espresso, enjoy a fag and then watch a movie." Instead I have been surfing from blog to blog, reading posts and comments.

Aha.

Less alcohol, caffeine and nicotine when I'm blogging.

Right.

Hmm-hmm-hmmm.

Ooooom.

--

What?

Oh yeaaah! I did absolutely know all along that this addiction was going to be good for my health.

Why you askin'? Any doubts?

Thank you.

2006-03-03T05:06:00.000-08:00

To dream of dragons.

2006-03-01T05:01:00.000-08:00

A man is walking down a road, bent over in pain. That man is me. I am glad that I may observe him though, pain or no pain. It means that I am at least in a position to understand what is happening. So I watch. Why the scissors in my back, again?

Done. But not done.

I have found space for my colours. A good thing. I have said NO to three clients about jobs that were just too much on an already packed list of things to do. I am blogging once again. I have made time for emails to friends and for reading and I even enjoyed a DVD last night. All of it commendable. And now my back tells me that I am still not taking good care of myself?

Hard lesson.

It's been 26 years since the accident. 26 years since I fell down a ladder while following a stupid order in the army. 26 years since I hurt my spine. And I did not even sue those bastards. Ever since then I have been stopped in my tracks at the most awkward times. Pain. Like a knife. It sucks my strength away. Takes all power out of me. Drains me of the will to live 'til I go down on my knees and feel a need to scream and all I want is for this thing to stop.

It figures.

These attacks, I understood that in 2003, hit me when something is amiss in the way I have to deal with people or business matters and shy away from it. As in: I, me, myself have to deal with it. Then, after I have come to an honest conclusion and am ready to act - and not before - the pain will normally completely go away. Vanish. As if it had never been there.

And now for the interesting part.

What does this say about pain and illness and health? Are you aware that pain does NOT create the feeling of being down? It is the other way round. There is uneasiness in you but you do not want to listen. Do not want to look at your life. Do not want to act. Do not want to open your eyes, face the music, turn on the light. THAT's when you're hit. Chronic muscle cramps? Stomach problems? Skin rash? Migraine? Back pain? Something is - my opinion, only - wrong in your present everyday situation.

Your challenge is not my challenge.

Now, of course, I do not know about you and your life. I suggest you just go and think about this when it is your time. Which may be never. Such is the basic law of free choice.

But I CAN talk about myself here and maybe you will derive something useful from it. So why am I so reluctant to do something about this particular challenge? Because I tend to carry other people's problems on my shoulders. I am - to a certain extent - living their life for them instead of going on with my own. And while I am able to generally reject people wanting to just unload on my shoulders I hate, hate, hate taking out the sword to cut off loved ones, especially when I know that they are in need themselves.

To go on.

But if I do not ... if I do not do it I cannot go on. Oh, dear life, you can be a harsh master. You are giving me joy beyond everything that I could have imagined. But light accentuates shadows.

What then, my relentless teacher, is taking good care of myself? Is it to say NO to friends in need because I am in need myself? Do I have to be uncaring, even brutal to make space for myself?

It seems to be so. I am unhappy to admit this: That I cannot save those closest to me from going through their life as they choose it to be. That to heal my own life I must let go of other's needs and let them walk through their own valley of darkness. Only then - in my own, my personal, my uninvaded space - will I be replenished to a point that I can give out once more to those in need.

Only in freedom will I soar and dream of dragons again.

Heat.

2006-02-23T12:40:00.000-08:00

Hotter Than July. Feb 23, 2006

Feb 24, 2006. Q, Infinity and Freya! Your comments have made this change possible:

24 hours later

I don't know if you like it, but I am happy with it now. In fact I've had such a great time that I did another one:

Phoenix. Feb 24, 2006

Life is good for me, today. I can't remember a day in the last two weeks when I felt better. It is as it should be: I have done these for myself. Yes, I hope you will like what you see. After all, you were the ones catalyzing the kick that made me really get to work again. Still, if you're not quite hot about them, I will nevertheless know that these works are as alive and kicking as I feel myself right now.

I thank you as I am thanking myself.

Vanity.

2006-02-22T13:16:00.000-08:00

You know guys: I'm flattered - and I did not know it was THAT easy to flatter me. Bullshit. I have known this. Infinitesimal has asked me to do yet another list of four.

So, I'm back from the Ticino. Back from hard work AND a lot of excellent food, wine and grappa and I gladly comply, beautiful:

4 things/people that make (made) me smile:

1. A ticket to New York
2. Mails from those I miss
3. Martha and Viva - and no, you don't need to know who Viva is.
4. Freya when she wrote about the "error inside me" (no need to apologize, friend!)

4 ways to win my heart:

1. Love me for who I am and not for who you want me to be
2. Love yourself for who you really are and not what others want you to be
3. Don't talk about things that make me trust you and then act otherwise
4. Don't declare taboos out of fear

4 things I believe in:

1. The power of thought
2. The power of words
3. The power of deeds
4. The power of my link to the universe (whenever I'm not struggling in the deepest pit)

4 Things I am afraid of:

1. To hurt or deceive others in any way
2. To be famous but a fraud
3. Gut reactions (as in: kill someone without regret and a smile on my face after they've hurt someone I love)
4. To be this honest

4 Things I do every day:

1. Talk with "them"
2. Ask' em questions
3. Think of loved ones
4. Tell myself that I am not to judge anyone, including myself

4 things/people I want to see right now:

You
A new post from Melissa
An agent who wants to market my paintings and writing
A monk who invites me into his monastery in Tibet for about six months (and someone who pays my bills while I am away)

4 people I want to see do this list of fours:

Sheena, Jan, Jennie and Thomas

Going going gone.

2006-02-18T14:53:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow I'll be off again for about four days.

This time, I will travel down to the Ticino, the Italian speaking part of our country to verify information about a neat little travel guide we're doing for a German bank's customers. Could be a treat but deadlines are once more less than comfortable.

So, Freya, you have asked me if there was "error inside me" when I posted that thing about restructuring my life and I say to you: No! No error inside me. Just too much to do.

In the last seven days (since I came back from the cooking stunt) I have prepared and had a DM (direct marketing) presentation for a Swiss version of Martha Stewart. I have written four ads for a construction company. I have done and redone an e-mail invitation for some guys who build call centers, I have written an ad for a furniture company and interviewed some doctors for an article I am to write about a hospital til Tuesday (actually I should write that one tonight but it is 1 AM and I do not have it in me. Will have to be done in the hotel room tomorrow night, then) . I have also worked on that travel guide and I have written a bunch of campaign ideas for a motorbike exposition. And that is just regular work without the admin stuff and without private things that have to be settled.

On the other hand, I have not done any painting for two months. I have missed an evening with my friends at the circle last Monday. And despite all the work I am hard pressed to pay my bills because many of my clients have not paid their dues.

--

It's actually stupid to worry about money. 'Cause when I don't it always just flows in at the right time. Always. But I'm only human - you know, the learning on a daily basis-thing. Still, those on the other side keep telling me that I should trust, trust, trust ...

--

Yeah, Mr. Q, Single Malts are an incentive I like. A dangerous one. And to get away from things that make my brain race WOULD be nice. And, Infinitesimal, do I feel other living beings? Yeah. To the point that I have to get away from all human company at times because I can't stand the vibes. And then I sometimes don't know anymore what energies are mine. And I suddenly think that I do not feel anything at all anymore. Anything but sadness that is. Makes it kinda hard to shrug off the darkness, does it not, Malva?

So again: Is there error inside me? And I still say: No. The only error lies in neglecting the things that I truly need in my life to balance it out: Painting, writing from the heart, spirituality, time for reflection. Add healthy food. Fresh air. Enough sleep.

To think that I have lived dire imbalance for many years without even realizing it, is ... well ... I'm thankful, that these days I can see the signs. It will be interesting to see what I am going to do about it this time around.

Rise and Shine? You can bet on it. To quote myself (this is taken from a comment I wrote somewhere else) :

"Life. Bit like climbing a mountain and there are valleys in between. Can you ignore the valleys? Can you just fly over them? No, you walk through them. The joy - for me - is in looking back when I have passed the pit (once again) and finally come up and out, feeling the warmth of the sun - knowing that I did find the courage to go on when I was in darkness. I know then and there that I might - will - stumble again. But during those days of strength I could not care less."

Nuff said.

Very educating.

2006-02-17T09:11:00.000-08:00

These are the adults I have met during the ski camp for kids (mentioned further below):

A middle-aged woman who rarely said a word and was completely helpless when a teenager panicked because of a prank.

A 35 year old who read the newspaper all the time and mostly did not speak either or answer questions.

A 40 year old gentleman who lived through the week by resorting to ironical statements.

One young man who usually left the table right after dinner.

A frustrated guy of about 55 who dominated the group by endless chatter, ceaseless drinking and subdued agression.

A lady (36) who had her most lively moments of the week when she explained to girls (14) which boys they should date ("Oh, nooooooooo, do not go for Marc. He is craaaaaap. Frank is muuuuch better looking. He's the ooooooonly one worth looking at. Forget about all the other ones.").

Now, kindly replace the word "adults" in the first line by "teachers".

---

To you, Prism, Martha and all you teachers with an open heart and a respect for children: Tough job! I mean ... with colleagues like yours' who needs enemies?

Dear All.

2006-02-15T04:16:00.000-08:00

My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me e-mails over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed and wealthy.

Thank you all the Generals' daughters in Nigeria and Burkino-Faso who have invited me to share in their $35 million inheritance - one day I'm sure the cash will arrive in my bank.

Thanks also to those who have placed winning international lottery tickets for me, without my knowledge. So far I've won £65 billion.

Thanks to the manufacturers and suppliers of Viagra and all their cut price offers. When I need it I might take them up.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about what the rat crap in the glue on envelopes can cause. I now have to get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer causing deodorants, even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer worry about my soul because at the last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learnt that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all - but that will all change once I receive the £15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favour!

If you don't send this message to at least 144,000 people in the next seven minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhoea will land on your head at 5pm (GMT) this afternoon.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

(Sent to me from England 10 minutes ago and
just too good to be deleted. THNX, Nina!)

Post No. 30.

2006-02-14T13:23:00.000-08:00

What is it that has to be said today? Why am I sitting here after 10 days of being away, too tired too think but unable to switch off?

"You need to restructure your life." - Can I do that? - "You know, you can." - Then why am I sad? - "You fear loss."- Of what? - "Love." - Will you help me? - "We always do." - It is hard. - "Trust. You need to trust."

I feel like crying. - "Have you not learned from past experiences? Sorrow is a key." - I know, and I'll get out stronger. But what can I do to make these passages easier? - "Live your life without regret."

And my fears? - "Trust. Why do you not trust?" - I might be alone. - "You are never alone." - Oh, why are you so far away? - "Are we?" - No. I ... - "Then what is your fear?" - To brake down. To fail.

"Take the key."

Cookin'.

2006-02-03T19:12:00.000-08:00

Four days of madness: behind me. Those jobs I have written about: done. Bones: aching. Tired!!

And now I'm off for yet another week - helping feed a bunch of school kids in a ski-camp. If anyone of you reads this:

Hello. Goodbye. Til then.

Self-Responsibility.

2006-01-31T03:00:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I attended something very British. It's called a development circle. That's a group of people sitting together every fortnight to train their sensitive and mediumistic abilities. Grounded in British Spiritualism (19th centuery concept, aims to prove the afterlife, it works). NOT spiritism. NOT the Ouija board-table rocking thing which is - supposedly, never tried it - dangerous. More on that on another day.

Anyway, we all drew a single card out of a game there. Mine said: Karma is to take responsibility for yourself. Alright. At this moment in time that means getting away from blogging for a short while because otherwise I'll get in trouble with my clients for botched jobs. Especially as I'll be away for a week beginning next Saturday.

My friends, I am having an excellent time in your company. I am thinking, puzzling, exploring, smiling and laughing. This is good, this is even great! Humour of the good-natured sort is highly underrated and very spiritual. It opens hearts.

Thank you!
I am offline as of now and looking forward
to being back already. Have a fab time:

Rise and Shine!

Nah. Not from the UK.

2006-01-29T13:36:00.000-08:00

This one's for Vanille: across the pond is right. UK is wrong though I fairly often fly there. Up there, in the background, is where I've left my hat. Check the country-sticker on my trusty steed and you'll know where I live.

Do me a favour.

2006-01-27T03:49:00.000-08:00

Abysmal Doubt. That is what I experienced the night after mack had asked me if I was believing into powers beyond our own - and if so: which side was I on?

Yes, I DID feel delighted about the challenge and was looking forward to the answer. For about an hour. Then I realized that I did not want to rehash somebody else's view of the universe. I wanted it to be the conglomerate of all I'd read, learned and experienced.

I wanted it to be MINE and it had - from my perspective - to come out just right. In effect I was about to publish something - in blog size - that indeed IS my life. I breathe it, experience it, have almost lost my best friend because of it. Three times I began to write a post only to delete it again. It was all ... too artsy.

So I changed the colour of the blog. The photo. It gave me a bit more time but it also upped the ante. New look? You want to enter that stage in style, don't you? Even if you do it just for yourself. Which I do not. And of course, I got stuck in the word-swamp and rapidly lost any hold.

I gave up the fight. It got dark. Darkness of the kind you want to drown in Whisky - if that is strong enough. And I said to Them: "You've got to help me, guys. I don't know how to answer this. Am I wrong about it all? Am I insane? I don't feel ANYTHING right now but blackness. I don't know where you are. Have I been on a wrong track? Were you never here? HELP me!"

A couple of moments later I had the first four lines of "I am it" rummaging around my brain like child's rhyme. Again and again and again. I fell asleep, woke up, remembered, sat down and - a short while later - I published.

My cosmology. It is my heart. I stand by it, I love it, I thank you all for your comments on it.

The favour:

Please, just once, read "I am it" as if it was your view. Because it is my belief that - whatever your walk of life is - you are in the exact same spot as I am:

You are it.

I am it.

2006-01-26T03:54:00.000-08:00

This is my cosmology.

O

There is oneness.
There is intent.
There is energy.
There is all-existence.

There is the universe, there are stars, galaxies, systems, planets.

There is earth.
There is us.
There is me.

I am an individual.
I am part of the whole.

Therefore I am oneness myself.

I am it.

O

So I am matter.
So I am energy.
So I have intent.

When I act I form my existence.
When I speak I form my existence.
When I think I form my existence.

That is the extent of self-responsibility.

I visualize
To materialize.

O

I have free will.
I can live my life in the conciousness of a solitary spark.
Or I can connect.

I can open up to the energy.
To feel so called lifeless things.
Touch living beings.
And those who are but have passed on.

And I can feel energy that is beyond even their world.

It is exhilarating.
It is joy without explanation.
Fulfillment without strife.
Happiness without fear.

It is being loved without regret.
It is tears falling for the feeling of being home.

And then.
Passion ends.

Oneness.
And my mind, my heart, my soul cannot go further
While I reside here.

O

So I turn and come back.
I create my life.

I go through darkness to learn courage.
I go through jealousy to learn unconditional love.
I go through loneliness to find my core.

I fail.
Hurt.
Despair.
Rage.
I go through strife

So I can let go
And let love rule.

O

I touch you.
You touch others.
We touch the world.

We create all in this
Universe of free will.
And we get what we give.

I choose
Love & Joy
As my birthright.

O

By The way.
There is no hell.

O

Blue.

2006-01-25T11:47:00.000-08:00

Life is change.

Hit the buffett.

2006-01-24T13:56:00.000-08:00

This blog is a mirror. And you - by coming here and commenting - are the mirror reflecting the mirror. I would like to - and will - address what you say, thereby creating yet another reflection of ... truth? What a delightful challenge!

But.

How to savour this delicate concoction of international inspiration? How to hit that tasty buffett in a manner that thouroughly appreciates the time and energy you have gifted to me by way of your comments? And - aargh - how to do it all while having a real life-job with harsh deadlines? Sigh! HOW to?

By not doing it today. Nighty night.

THNX, I think.

2006-01-21T09:21:00.000-08:00

Tagged by the Prairie Girl.

Right then, you made me learn how to include links in here...

List of...

four jobs I've had:
1) Night guard
2) Theater roadie
3) TV-editor
4) Copywriter

four movies I like
1) Matrix
2) Magnolia
3) Mystic Pizza
4) LOTR-trilogy

four places I have lived:
1) Bern (capital of Switzerland)
2) Zurich (wants to be the capital)
3) Lucerne (thinks it is the tourist capital)
4) Zug (capital of Swiss tax havens)

four TV shows I love:
1) 24
2) Sopranos
3) X-Files
4) Sex & The City

four websites I visit daily:
1) CNN
2) PCWelt.de (German IT-thing)
3) and quite a few
4) blogs

four of my favourite foods:
1) Thai
2) Indian
3) Carribean
4) Cajun

four places I would rather be right now:
1) None. And on those other days:
2) Anywhere between Bangor and Honolulu
3) London, UK
4) Torino, Italy

four bloggers who may feel tagged:
1) Kalie
2) Q
3) Marisa
4) Infinitesimal

Unwanted energy.

2006-01-20T12:40:00.000-08:00

(I HAVE EDITED THIS ONE. Still not quite right - as I say in my profile: learning every day.)

Today, my partner was sad about something her landlord did. She took it personally, carrying on that emotion. And yesterday, one of you asked me: "What if unwanted energies rise to a volume that is beginning to disturb me?"

It is hard for me to answer that one. Because what is upsetting you - has a basis in yourself. In all of the following situations, there is one common thing: it is myself who decides how a given situation affects me.

From my own life.

Among people I sometimes - for no apparent reason - suddenly feel agressive, under pressure or dizzy. Or I feel happy, enter a room, a house - and I feel that something is not right. Or I watch the news - all dreary - and this pulls me down. Or somebody passes me on the road and suddenly I feel constricted for a couple of seconds. And, yes: Sometimes I carry along anger about things done, said, sent to me.

(Note: the whole thing works the other way round, too - with happy feelings!)

To be aware of energies.

Once you realize that these things happen to you (meaning: you are of a sensitive nature), you may want to pay attention to mood changes. Body feelings. When you leave a place - does it get better? When you turn off the TV - what happens? When you maintain anger at someone - WHERE does it come from?

To learn about energies.

I recommend that you find a coach who has experience with the matter (more so than I). Somebody who knows how to deal with the fact that you are sensitive and will help you sort out the source of the uneasiness . And if you think they are not smart enough, find another one!!

Learning to be aware of energy-shifts is like tuning a radio. When you begin it might all be static but over time you will gain knowledge. That allows you to differentiate between emotions clearly caused by your own old afflictions and those of other people.

It is also helpful to observe how you behave yourself. Many people dish out to others - energy-wise - and they do not even know it. I certainly have done it without knowing until I was made aware of the fact by a mentor of mine (Janette Marshall, see link on the sidebar).

To deal with energies.

Once you are able to separate "who is sending out what " and "this is what I am radiating myself and it gets reflected" and "this not my problem but yours" ... you can stand straighter because guilt-ridden questions like "What have I done now?" will lessen. After all, once you realize that someone else is in bad mood, weeeeeeell, why should you make it your own?

I am just about grasping these mechanisms myself. What I know: The more you know about how you click, the easier you deal with people and their energies. You get stronger. The hard thing: As you can see right here - in my writings - there is no magic drink - it all takes time. There is confusion and light.

My partner.

Remember what I have written to begin with about my partner? Here's what she did about her anger: She walked the dog for an hour in the quiet peace of a nearby forest. That way she could calm down and remember that she is actually not a grumpy but quite a lovable person. No matter what anyone does, says - or projects.

Which stands in glorious opposition to: She is living what other people's fears make her out to be.

Phantom.

2006-01-20T05:37:00.000-08:00

The sun is out and fog a memory. Spring? Not quite, still a dream - but not a phantom anymore.

Choose to cruise (part 3).

2006-01-19T13:48:00.000-08:00

Buddhist masters have said that many men do not eat while they eat. That is what I invite you to check out for your own life.

Let me explain. We do not give our full attention in most anything we do. Here's my morning routine: I get up, have an espresso, a glass of orange juice. And then I head for the shower.

Two ways to go about this:

I down the espresso while thinking about a job at hand and looking at some newspaper. I empty a glass of orange juice in about 10 seconds while planning how NOT to get into timing problems with another job. I hit the shower, not even realizing what I am doing because I feel under pressure to get out to work .

Or:

I let the espresso drip into its tiny cup. I add sugar, I stir . I pour the orange juice into a shimmering glass. I take the cup and the juice, walk over to the sofa and sit down. I enjoy the orange juice, its sweetness, the cool liquid. Sip. By sip. By sip. Until there is nothing left. I drink the espresso. It is sweet, too - and strong, like liquor. The cup is still hot when the coffee is gone. I exhale and head for the shower. Take my time, feeling the water. After that, I am ready for work. Piece by piece.

Behavior No 1: I am racing.
Behavior No 2: I cruise.

Look, I do not even do this "taking my time-thing" every day (but I should). And when I do, it always helps. Oh, yes - I especially want to slow down to Now when I wake up with a panicky feeling in my stomach in the morning. Which still happens more often than I care for.

Starting your day with 10 minutes of "alert" enjoyment, takes speed out of the day. IN fact, the whole day is better after a slow start. Because? Because giving one's full attention to the matter at hand - big or small - is BEING ALIVE. Being now. Instead of being pushed by something that is not even happening yet .

Take one good moment out of your day - say: eating, feeling, LIVING a piece of chocolate - and do NOT think about all you have to do. Feel, live, enjoy what is happening. Slow down to being real. And if you like it you can spread that "giving your full attention" to other things that happen during your day.

That - from my point of view - is a kind of meditation in its own right.

Choose to cruise (part 2).

2006-01-17T06:26:00.000-08:00

A comment I have received on my latest post: "my spirit is writhing beneath the weight of the busy-ness. do you think we can really have permission to let it drop?" Thank you, mack! I presume you are referring to letting drop the weight, the busy-ness. My answer is a heartfelt YES! We are allowed to let go, we are asked to let go.

Here's why - and this is a very general thing about life and spirituality. It is a also matter of personal philosophy, faith or however you want call it. Take it in. Disregard what does not click for you. And - welcome to applying the rest to your life - if and when you feel like it! Here I go:

Who we are. What we do.

First of all, I consider myself - everyone - to be an individualized part of a greater being. In this role as a shimmering ray of the universal energy, you are/I am on this planet to experience duality and learn about love, compassion, hate, jealousy, the restrictions of the body and more. I am here - of free will - on a project called "my life". There is a lot of potentials and nothing concrete.

Everything that happens to me as a human is an opportunity to choose how I want to go on. And obviously, every choice (and more so: the motivation behind it) influences how life will unfold. Consequently, if I do, say, speed up or resist change, I will feel the result in some form in my everyday life.

How we control. And fail.

Becoming aware is to some great extent the acceptance of these things. Add this: I CAN form my world by visualizing where I want to get. But I cannot define the path. Not in a way constructed by the mind. The mind is a controller. Physical life, on the other hand, cannot be controlled. It happens and you can - happily or unhappily - flow in its power while it lasts.

Doubt this?

Can you guarantee that you will still be alive on this planet, tomorrow? Can you guarantee "til death do us part" in your relationship, can you guarantee that you will never have an accident? Never be a millionaire? You cannot.

What is open to us.

Still, the universe, the energy does not intend us any harm. As I have said before: I do not believe in a god who wants revenge. We are invited to develop understanding. We are - subsequently - invited to share and wield power of unbelievable dimension as an exchange, a universal THNX for our dedication.

But: the energy that helps us in our personal evolution cannot be rushed. If you are on a path to understand more - about life and yourself... Well, you might want to rush it. For example, let us say that you are into mediumistic work. Energy work. Healing. I am. You begin to understand that there is this potential in you that you can develop.

How we hinder ourselves.

The more you learn the more you want to know. You understand that - taken seriously - each step you take is a step towards better understanding about yourself. Towards self-responsibility. You begin to invest a lot of time in this. You WANT to GET there. You find all of it so very fascinating.

You try to skip steps as in: not really dealing with things at hand. THAT is where the test gets hard. Here's where that rubber band (see previous post) comes in. You go ever faster. Your mind - which is NOT you (you may want to read Eckhardt Tolle on this) - says: "You have got to this. You need to be there. Faster, faster! You are not enough. You're a loser and you'll never make it."

The effect? The more you strive the more you feel under pressure the less you get to where you want to be.

Your Self is watching you.

Because there is this very peculiar thing about the meaning of life and spirituality: Understanding begins with letting go. Only then will you feel the present. The NOW. As long as you fight against this, your racing mind (some say: your ego) is in command. And - what I would like to call your SELF - is sitting on a chair in the background waiting for you to slow down.

Your body is sending signals.

Still think you are not allowed to let go? You might then get to a point where the energy wants you to STOP - for just a little while - your race for understanding, enlightment, evolution. It might wake you up several times at night and every night for months, because you just want too much. It might even give you pain when you work with the energies. It might let all your life's concepts tumble like ice cubes in a pitcher and leave you with nothing BECAUSE you are not ready.

All of this has happened to me and people I know and we are still dealing with the effects. I emphasize: It is NOT the universe or God punishing you for the audacity of wanting to learn. It is just a sign that you have a right to and should unwind! Life will happen anyway.

Ready to roll?

Going too fast slows you down. Setting harsh goals slows you down. Pressure slows you down. Guilt-feelings slow you DOWN. How about letting go of all these things that cause - to say the least - uneasiness? You can slow down without all of that! 'Cause the you-you, the real you, the Self, also dubbed "Higher Self", does not want you to race. Can you guess what Self says while sitting on that chair in the back of your mind!?

Choose to cruise.

To be continued: In my next post, I'll tell you about some everyday things that will allow you to check if you ARE of a racing mind. Plus: a very simple exercise to help you unwind.

Choose to cruise.

2006-01-16T14:57:00.000-08:00

Eager to learn what life is all about? Slow down. If you do not you will soon feel like a rubber band about to snap. Give your Self a chance to catch up on yourself!

Stop the race. Choose to cruise.

Night and Day.

2006-01-14T16:21:00.000-08:00

A R&B Bass in the background.

Chris Isaak on stage.

(I can hear it. I'm sitting outside again.)

A guitar bites.
Seduces.

So.
Sexy.

Isaac sighs out
his need to cry to the world.

But no tears.
He's so alive, so driven, so sad, so angry.

(I can hear this. And I am happy to be a living being with emotions.)

Too much fun?

2006-01-14T10:07:00.000-08:00

I don't quite like this. I've had this blog for what - not even three weeks - and I am actually going competitive. Me. The "I am never going to fight for some silly medal or brass cup!" - man. I WANT people to read this thing. So stupid. Silly! It can take the fun out of blogging if you think you HAVE to write a new post 'cause you might lose readers, otherwise.

And it does deflect from what I want to reflect: ways to unchain one's life. AND it does show that I dearly love to be patted on the back.

Believe me, my readers, I have not wanted to admit this. I want to be mature and independent and, yep, even a fountain of wisdom. And I know that - sometimes - I actually am.

But - if I do not write about uncertainty - if I go on by giving advice like the big Kahuna and - at the same time - somewhere behind the curtain I am tackling with the inability to just enjoy writing... well, in that case I am dishonest - and you will know it, even if you cannot say WHAT is going on.

What can one do about this? Here is my solution: I admit in public that I am really, really, REALLY happy that you come here. Can't help it so I hereby accept it. And - second thing - I will do my very best NOT to publish just to see myself published. Even if it means not to be able to write to you for a couple of days.

Because there CAN be abuse of a good thing. But - and I stick to that - there is no such thing as too much fun.

Love & Joy
Ben

(NB: A second thought - some hours later. --- I'll tell you what happens if I do NOT admit to shortcomings. I'll be - say, about 10 years from now - one of those self-styled gurus who tell everyone how life is to be lived. And then they go and abuse those listening to them - instead of seeing themselves not so elitist and going back to that point where the happiness of those they meet is their foremost goal.)

We touch.

2006-01-12T06:43:00.000-08:00

The beauty of blogging: You begin a journal, get visitors, go to their pages and you find, among other things inspiration. Amazing ideas. Dialogue.

Networks within networks come to life. I'm sure, 1'001 other people have realized this before me and gone on. I will. But at the moment, to me, it is still a wondrous thing.

Where will it lead us?

The Rock.

2006-01-11T15:23:00.000-08:00

The original of this painting went to a lady who says that the man on there - when she saw him first - looked a bit grumpy. She also claims that - later on - he began to smile at her whenever she looked at him. I appreciate that thought.

And I like his stony strength - especially today as I am really tired from work. How about you? Feeling like you could fall asleep while standing? Knowing at the same time that you are too high-strung to do so? Waiting to exhale?

Have some rock.

Thoughts and Thoughts.

2006-01-09T16:08:00.000-08:00

I sat on my front porch tonight. Minus ten degrees. Snow and pale shades of fog. Moonlight. I was wearing a thick winter jacket. A blanket kept my legs warm. A rather intense day had passed. A little earlier that night I had been able to let go of weight on my shoulders.

I felt at peace and began to individually wish the best to all those beings that came to my mind, including my neighbour's dog. It felt right. I understood that every thought for the best of someone else is heard. But I think it shines most brilliantly when it comes from a peaceful and dedicated mind.

Sit down in a quiet moment, alone. Forgive the past. Forgive yourself. And let love go out to those you care about.

It will make yourself feel REAL good. And that's the whole idea about life.

I hate it when that happens.

2006-01-08T13:07:00.000-08:00

I consider myself on a path to enlightment. Don't get me wrong. We are all on that road, whether we want it or not. Whether we think about it or not. Whether we accept it or not. But here I go - and I refused to do so for a long time - and I declare: Me, Ben, Enlightment. Get it, God?

Right.

And because I am so very wise and shiny and full of light, I never stumble. Ha Ha. Good joke! Truth is: I fall into a hole about once a month. And I feel like - uhm - digested food. I hate it when that happens.

And now you might think: Why is he talking about that? Tell you why. It's because I am going to write in this blog - when I feel on top of things - about how I see that life should be dealt with. Can be looked at . Will be changed. And how great it is.

I am wearing rather big shoes when doing that. And I derive my right to go on NOT from being constantly happy. I write about joy because I know sadness. But I AM learning to get out of it. Every time. And sometimes with the help of others.

So. Do I really hate it when I'm down and out? I sure don't like it. But at the same time I know - then and there - that I am about to learn another one of life's lessons as my lows teach me what I have to work on.

How else could I feel so convinced about things? How to talk about compassion when you have never been down? How to write about getting out of the swamp when you have never been in it? And while we are it: How to love others when you are not loving yourself? There you go.

Reader, will you say hello from time to time? Will you comment? I hope you will. I love people. I want sadness to be seen as a chance to go on. I want you, me, all of us to be happy. Free of chains. Free of fear. And I want to do my little part in making YOU happy. Even by telling you when I'm down - because then you are not alone when YOU are down.

Love & Joy to all of you out there!

Meet thy maker? Meet thyself.

2006-01-08T08:22:00.000-08:00

I am the captain of my ship. I am also the ship itself, the ocean and the wind. Nice thought? Yeah. And true. But nevertheless, I'd rather blame anyone else but me when I am uneasy. Can I, please? Please, please? No way! Forget it. Too late. Once you realize how you tick, how you create your own life, you cannot just go and unlearn it.

Alright, then. Let's set sail.

Music.

2006-01-06T16:55:00.000-08:00

It is time for some colour in this sea of words. To you this might be chaos and plain ugly. That's alright. All it means that this painting is most definitely not for you. Or you look at this thing for a while and maybe you feel a pleasant radiance. A slight buzz. That means that the colours speak to you. Don't try to understand. Enjoy.

Free speech.

2006-01-06T09:08:00.000-08:00

Imagine this: Several thousand years ago some people begin to write down Spiritual wisdom. They know that they have to use metaphors that will be understood by their society. In later centuries some chapters are revised, rewritten to fit the times and - on some occasions - parts of the original text are changed to please men in power.

Much later, what is left of the original goes into print to become one of the most successful books of all time. And it still is a hit in the twenty-first century. To be sure, the basic essence of that book has never been obsolete. It is humanity's need for love and compassion.

Some other parts of that famous book speak about revenge, though. About wrath. Punishment. That - in my opinion - is brought to us from times long gone. It is outdated. After all, in this age and day, has killing lately REALLY solved a problem? Anywhere? Are dying US-soldiers, are exploding bombs, torn limbs and dead children a way to go forward?

Well, as you have problably understood, I am talking about the - take your pick! - Bible. The Quran. The Kabbalah. I am talking about EVERY religious book of note. All of them are wonderful sources of wisdom if you read them with an open mind. But they are also - partly - to be seen as vivid pictures of times past. Written by humans living in a completely different world from ours.

Dear reader, I have NOT written this to undermine your faith. Please, appreciate the core of your faith as it is of no importance what belief-system you rely on: Go to the source and every single one of them wants you to love yourself and the world around you. None of them, basic priciple, puts a priority on killing or God's punishment.

And ... I have written this because a so-called religious man, Pat Robertson, called for the assassination of a president in Summer 2005. And now he says that another politician's medical condition is God's punishment. This preacher has a TV-Show! And he even quotes the bible on his ideas.

God loves you, no matter what? Not according to Robertson. He seems to believe that God loves you - IF you follow rules written down by some human beings, several thousand years ago. He seems to believe that the most important parts of those rules are NOT love for one another but age-old threats to kill.

Which basically says: God - represented by Pat Robertson - is likely to kill you if you dare go for peace in the Near East. God - according to Robertson - detests new ideas. God - according to Robertson - is opposed to change. --- Dear Mr. Robertson. Systems that do not allow change will eventually die of atrophy. Look at the former USSR.

The right to free spech. A precious thing. Robertson uses it. So do I.

High?

2006-01-05T14:14:00.000-08:00

(REWRITTEN ON JAN. 14, 06)

It is not always sugar. Life, I mean. At times you feel full of fear and you want to be rid of it all. And you cry to heaven: "Let it go away, please!"

Heaven says: "Let go yourself."

Oh, great - so it is up to silly old me to solve the problem?

Yep.

Let me elaborate: Being afraid. That's thinking about not being good enough in your job. Or failing in your current relationship. Being afraid is worry about bills that have not even come in, yet. Feeling fear - the moment when you let a future take over that has not happened, yet.

Take the moment as it comes. Look at it. See it. Decide. Let it go. Only then you may get from life the altered state that is rightfully yours: Joy, the most exhilarating High!

(NB: Those who read Tolle know that this wisdom is NOT my wisdom. But it is very true and I find it quite alright to spread the idea of NOW.)

How about a cushion?

2006-01-03T03:44:00.000-08:00

As a boy I did go to a catholic church from time to time and there the congregation had to regularly kneel for prayer. On hard, unforgiving, wooden benches. Looking back I ask myself: Why did we all do that?

Is a conversation with God not heartfelt when your knees don't hurt? Does an otherworldly Superpower truly have a need for us to endure pain while we are talking to Them? Surely not. It's a very, very human idea that pain should be an integral part of faith.

After all, being on one's knees for prayer is a symbol, only. So, please, anyone out there STILL enduring hurting kneecaps? For heaven's sake ... get yourself a cushion!

The veil.

2006-01-01T15:22:00.000-08:00

I feel that there is nothing but a thin veil between us and a much bigger world. We can reach through that veil and touch the "other side". It's a bit like dialling our personal 0800-number to inner guidance. And no waiting lines, ever.

Can you reach out, too? Of course, you can! Just STOP your mind for a moment and LISTEN to your intuition.

For me (I like to analyze) that is truly not very easy. But I have learned by now that my intuition, that very first impression, the flash thought that comes BEFORE thinking, that friendly intelligence on the other side... is never wrong.

Reach out and you will know I'm right.

A rose that does not want to die.

2005-12-30T17:17:00.000-08:00

There is a rose in a vase in my flat that - by all means - should be long gone. It is now well over a month old. There is no bloom anymore but... a part of my roses's stem stubbornly stays a lively green. And a couple of days ago a new branch started to sprout. By now it is about 4 inches long and proudly carries small and very green leaves.

A gardener might say that this is normal. To me it is not. That little wonder of nature touches me and it makes me a bit melancholic to think that, maybe very soon, this little sign of life might fade. There is something that I want to take with me and always remember when I think of that flower. It is this: Never give up.

Weird or waking up?

2005-12-28T14:00:00.000-08:00

For the last five years, I have experienced life from an increasingly unusual perspective. It has come to a point where some people think I am weird. Others believe I am finally waking up.

Need an example? I am convinced that every human being can heal absolutely everything. But as of today most of us have not learned how to do it, yet. I feel that I am part of a Universe that loves us and never judges us. I therefore defy anyone telling other people that we are born as sinners and have to live with guilt from day one. I am certain that we are here to learn to love ourselves and others and enjoy our existence! Because a world without hate and fear is a world without war.

Weird? Awake? It is all a matter of perspective. More to come.